Last week we probed what scared us about marriage. It was a hard hitting topic that really pushed us to confront fears of our future together. It is only appropriate that we asked what makes us feel safe and what threatens that safety. When God speaks, we listen. When the hat asks, we answer.
I tried to capture the feeling the best I could. Listening intently, I wanted to know her bodily language, tone, and word choice when talking about stressful situations. This conversation, more than the previous ones, was more about recognizing immediate needs versus the big-nasty-relationship-breaking fears. If anything, it reminded me that the day to day is just as important than the philosophical relationship stuff.
That feeling, of which I mean the empathetic understanding, hurt. I could feel anxious for her and felt anxious when describing my own issues. For me, personal space is important. Avoiding clutter and people is sometimes all I can do to avoid stress. Time is the factor that helps the most after a fight or a fit of anger. Guilt will always control me in any of those situations that merit space or time.
There were several pleasant surprises. When we talked about our safety nets, I felt comfortable. I felt like I could really be there for this other person. I want to be there for this other person confidently fighting off any demons that may present themselves. My issue, and her issue too, is allowing the other person to be there and to comfort. I will have to learn how to rely on her, but I’m sure it can and will be done. I already complain to her like I’m sitting at a DMV. Se la vie.
We also brought forth topics that we will need to add to the hat. We have started talking about our concerns with intercourse and the inevitability of living together. That will be a challenge not going to lie. On the other hand, I would love if she got to brag the rest of her life. I want that for her and for us.
I’m excited for our discussion next week where we talk about weddings, but I already know she is scared witless. So, I will try my best to not scare her too much. In the meantime, I’m going to try and survive Thanksgiving without her. Again, se la vie.
Intentional Vulnerability 