Week 3 Reflection: Her

Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus.

-John and Staci Eldredge- Captivating

Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love.

-Billy Graham

Security means a million things to a million different people. What I wanted to know was what it means in our relationship. What do each of us think of when we think of being safe and secure? What makes us feel that we are? What makes us feel that we are not? And how important is that sense of security. Initially, I will be honest, I had this question in the context of intimacy. In her book “Rising Strong” Berne Brown explains that for both men and women some of the most consistently identified areas of insecurity, vulnerability, and fear were surrounding sex and intimacy. Even the way we talk about it reveals that it is a subject of great delicacy. Because it is so vulnerable to be that physically and emotionally open with another person it is both a source of great connection, emotional honesty and expression and bonding but also pain, disconnection and misunderstanding. This is why I wanted to know how each of us could feel the most secure in that connection when the time comes and also what things we might do inadvertently that might make each other feel less secure.

That was really important to me, and we did go over that, but we also expanded beyond that context to security in life in general. As I was thinking over the question before our conversation I tried my best to contemplate what it looked like for me to feel secure? What is happening in my heart, mind, body, and life at those times? How about when I feel insecure? What do I do as a result of feeling secure or insecure? How important is that feeling to how I live my life? All these questions lead me back to just two things- my spiritual health and my mental health. When these are in order and well tended, regardless of the circumstances around me, I feel secure. As a result I take risks- I love big, I give big, I live big. But when my spiritual health or mental health are out of wack, when I get out of sync with God or when I let my depression or anxiety go untreated and unaddressed, I flip into survival mode. I get as small and compact as possible. My movements are reserved, I don’t risk offering opinions or encouragement, I don’t let the people around me into my life. I am concerned only with mitigating pain at those moments and I lose all sense of adventure, purpose and hope. In other words, I become a self-absorbed control-freak who is no fun at all to be around. Conclusion- as my partner, I need you to check in with me and remind me that I need to be tending these areas for both of our sake.

As we shared these thoughts and feelings with one another we hit some really raw areas. I knew we would, but what surprised me was how raw they were. I think we both anticipated last week’s conversation being hard but for some reason I found this much harder. I don’t know why exactly, but this week was harder for me. Maybe it was that last week was very specifically about marriage itself and while that hit on some of my gremlins, this week was all about them. What makes me feel secure or insecure has to do primarily with what voices I am listening to. That means talking about what undermines my feelings of security means talking very frankly about the malicious gremlins that I fight with on a daily basis. That, for me, involved a great deal more vulnerability and exposure. All my worst insecurities laid out on the table. In truth, we were basically laying out a “if you wanna hurt me bad, here is how.” If either of us chose, we could pick up what we learned and wield it as a weapon to manipulate or wound. The choice to share was one of ultimate trust.

I left the conversation feeling very exposed. But if I am honest, I don’t think I have ever felt closer to anyone. It was a bit like handing him a knife and saying “Here, there is a splinter over my heart. Would you please take it out, but please don’t kill me by plunging the knife between my fourth and fifth rib about midway between my sternum and my axila.” It was both necessary and alarming, both exhilarating and risky. The truth is we will inevitably hurt one another along the way. I believe in us, that those hurts will be spaced as far as we can and that they will not be inflicted intentionally. It is a risk I am willing to take.

So, to my love and my friend, my calm and my passion, my wonderful, amazing, gracious companion, thank you for meeting me in this vulnerable place. Thank you for taking this journey of self discovery with me. Thank you for making me feel like I can fly. Thank you for all you do to ensure that my gremlins don’t eat my lunch.  I vow never to use what you have confided in me as a weapon, but I apologize in advance for the mistakes I will make that will hurt you. I promise to always do my best to fight at your side against the things that want to bring you pain, to protect you in all the ways I can, and to make you feel my love and support as consistently and strongly as I am able. You mean the world to me and I am so utterly grateful for you.